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26 September 2012 @ 01:22 pm
(01) if you love me, you don't love me in a way I understand.  
if you love me, you don't love me in a way I understand.

(thanks to anirago for giving me back my title and for being a lazy and annoying and good beta. This fic is basically rushed and meh, but you will realize when I update the other two parts, which are already written and will be rushed and meh if I don't get any inspiration from here to tomorrow.)

part i

“I think I want two children – no, three. And my wife will definitely have to stop working after we marry.”

It’s probably over 4am and the rest of the members are sleeping, so Sunggyu is whispering against Woohyun’s shoulder, thumb cycling over his hipbone. Woohyun just hums as a response, and thinks it’s quite paradoxical – he would use the word funny, but he’s not laughing – that they are talking about that right in that moment, both naked under the covers, Sunggyu’s now blabbering mouth wrapped around his cock just minutes ago. The older says something about moving to the suburbs when he gets older, and Woohyun just really wants him to shut up, so he turns slightly and kisses him, mouth open, and then runs his tongue behind Sunggyu’s teeth as if trying to wipe away all the unsaid words so that Sunggyu can’t find them anymore. And when Sunggyu moans in the kiss he loses it and quickly forgets why he was kissing him in the first place, runs a hand down the other’s back until he is groping his ass and the leader is practically hovering him. His hand finds his way between Sunggyu’s ass cheeks and then it all starts over again.

There was an unsaid rule at the beginning of their relationship: that Sunggyu didn’t bottom and didn’t do blowjobs. It did make sense then, because they are not gay and they are not dating, just craving for some physical intimacy, and Woohyun was more laid-back and willing so there was no need. Woohyun is glad that changed somewhere along the way, because if not he wouldn’t be over Sunggyu right now, thrusting into him while the older boy’s moans get muffled by the pillow. Woohyun brushes his lips against the point of his neck where some weak dark hairs are starting to grow and takes some time to smell his hair. He wonders when he became so self-controlled that he can even mentally digress while having sex, then Sunggyu squirms under him and grabs Woohyun’s ass to bury the younger deeper into him and Woohyun is not thinking anymore.

He has probably been thinking too much lately, anyway, because Sunggyu seems to have been asking him something for a while when he finally snaps back to reality and the older is there frowning at him, a cigarette in his hand and some smoke coming out between his teeth.

“Are you even listening to me?”  he asks amused.

“Uhm. You will never get a girl if you don’t quit, smoking ain’t sexy at all”

“What? You just don’t know girls. Smoking is cool, it gives you a bad boy aura girls love” he smirks while taking another drag. Woohyun just shrugs uninterested.

“Don’t shrug at me!” Sunggyu laughs while circling his arm around Woohyun’s neck. They struggle for a while, Woohyun mockingly whining while the other pretends to tighten his grip, and eventually the older boy softly bites his ear and Woohyun murmurs “jerk” while turning his face to look at him. And then they are impossibly close, and he can see every imperfection in Sunggyu’s face, every pimple, every mark, and he can feel the leader looking at his lips, and that can only mean one thing. But they have an unspoken agreement not to kiss except when they are in the middle of a sexual intercourse, because they are not a couple, so they don’t kiss, they don’t hold hands, they don’t cuddle. They get into each other’s bed when the lack of body heat is unbearable, but they are band mates, friends at its best. So when Woohyun feels Sunggyu’s breath already hitting his lips, they pull away. And Woohyun’s not pretty sure who exactly pulls away first, but the next moment Sunggyu is picking up his abandoned cigarette from the ashtray and he is looking away so that the older can’t see him biting his lip.

“So, do you want to come to Nell’s concert or what?” Sunggyu says once he takes his forgotten cigarette, picking up their conversation when they left it. He tries to sound casual, but Woohyun can hear the slight trembling in his voice and, when he finally turns to look at him, he sees the light shiver in the fingers that are holding the cigarette.

He can see every single drop of sweat in Sunggyu’s forehead, one of them attempting to make its way towards his nose. He wants to wipe it away, maybe lick it, but he doesn’t, just like he doesn’t do much lately.

“Woohyun?” the leader pants over him “Are you… what’s wrong?”

Woohyun blinks a couple of times and then looks at him in the eyes, so Sunggyu stops thrusting and frowns.

“What’s going on? Are you ok?” he asks worried.

“I’m fine, I’m sorry, I was distracted” he whispers without looking away.

“How can you get distracted when my cock is all the way up your ass?” Sunggyu sounds amused now, but there’s still a hint of worry in his voice.

“I’m sorry” Woohyun averts his gaze this time “Can you…?”

Woohyun pushes him slightly, so Sunggyu pulls out and sits there in front of him dumbfounded. The younger ponders for a second whether to say it or not, but Sunggyu is panting hardly and still painfully hard, so he decides it’s not a good moment. Instead, he turns, giving his back to the older, and sits on his lap and buries Sunggyu’s cock into him before the other can react, and he instinctively puts his hands on Woohyun’s hips to help him bounce. He does not want to see Sunggyu’s face right now, or most probably he doesn’t want Sunggyu to see his face. He grabs one of the leader’s hands and wraps it around his member, and he closes his eyes and prays, he prays so hard that he can stop thinking.

Sometimes, when they are spent after the sex, they do cuddle. But just because they are tired and none of them really wants to move and the bed is too small to fit the two of them if they don’t hold each other. But right now, cuddling is the last thing Woohyun wants to do, so when he finally comes and Sunggyu loosens his grip, he quickly makes it to get out of the bed (he wanted to leave just as soon as Sunggyu came, but the older insisted and he didn’t want to make a fuss out of it nor go to sleep with a hard on, honestly). The older mumbles “stay” and tries to hold Woohyun’s wrist, but he is already climbing the stairs to his bunk bed and just wants to curl up under the sheets and maybe cry himself to sleep. He still manages to say “I’m tired, hyung” before falling into slumber, hoping that it sounds enough like a convincing excuse.

Sunggyu softly smiles at him the next morning from the kitchen table, but quickly lowers his gaze back to the cup between his hands. Sungjong quickly approaches him with a cup of coffee in one hand.

“Here, hyung” he says when Woohyun finally averts his gaze from Sunggyu’s hands and looks at him. “Sungyeol wanted to drink all the coffee that was left, but I saved a cup for you. You may have to heat it up though”

“Thank you, Sungjongie” he ruffles the maknae’s hair softly.

When he makes his way to the table, Sunggyu stands and leaves the cup in the sink.

“Guys, practice room in forty minutes, ok?” he looks at them before leaving.

“Yes, hyung” Sungjong nods.

Sunggyu’s gaze stays a little longer in Woohyun, who doesn’t say a word, and he eventually leaves.

Woohyun thinks karma must be coming back to him, because for all the moments he has craved to be alone with Sunggyu during the last months and always seemed to be surrounded by people, now that he’s trying to avoid the leader the universe must be plotting against it.

Myungsoo and Hoya had to leave early due to shooting schedules, Sungjong has some radio broadcast to attend and Sungyeol just left to discuss some serious business with the CEO, so that leaves just Dongwoo in between. Woohyun wishes he could make some pretext to leave early, but he really needs to practice the new choreography, and he’s pretty sure Sunggyu would follow him anyway as he tried to ask him what was going on just before the practice. He can feel the older’s eyes fixed on him as he does the choreography one more time with Dongwoo, sweaty and with trembling knees, and once the song ends, Sunggyu decides it’s enough.

“Hyung” Dongwoo manages to say between pants “I was thinking to go visit my mum since we finished early today, can I?”

Sunggyu tilts his head “Have you told the CEO? And the managers?”

“The CEO said it would be ok if I was back to the dorm before nine, can I, please, hyung?”

Sunggyu eye-sides Woohyun, and he is pretty aware the rapper probably doesn’t notice, but Woohyun has long ago learnt to decipher the leader’s small eyes, so he falls unceremoniously on the floor giving in. And because having time to talk to Sunggyu now is probably for the best, although he doesn’t really want to.

“Ok, I guess you deserve it” the leader says finally.

“Nice! Thanks hyung!” he bolts to the changing room, and then it’s just the two of them. Again. So Woohyun just closes his eyes and waits there, seated against the mirror wall, until he can feel Sunggyu’s heat by his side.

None of them says anything for a while, until Woohyun opens his mouth and mumbles a soft “I know”.

“Well, I’m glad, because at least one of us is not clueless here” Sunggyu chuckles.

Woohyun opens his eyes eventually, and when he turns to look at Sunggyu, strands of dirty hair in his forehead and red lips, he panics and decides to kiss him before the older asks him again what’s going on. Sunggyu is surprised at first, until he understands and wraps an arm around his waist to bring him closer, and they are practically dry-humping when they have to separate to take some air.

“Woohyun, here? Seriously?” Sunggyu breaths against his lips.

And Woohyun realizes he’s doing it all wrong, so he undrapes himself from Sunggyu to a sitting position in front of him and feels a small pang of guilt when the older looks at him clueless.

“I’m so sorry” he pleads.

“Ok, seriously Woohyun, I’m starting to feel retarded right now” Sunggyu blinks.

“Don’t, it’s me, it’s all my fault. I just didn’t know how to say it and I’ve been acting like a complete jackass”

“Tell me what?” the leader questions serious.

“Let’s not do this anymore” Woohyun murmurs, eyes fixed on his hands resting on his lap.

“Do what? I would seriously appreciate if you could stop being so cryptic”

“This, us, touching, kissing, having sex”

Woohyun can hear Sunggyu breathing heavily, and he can’t tell whether it sounds like he’s anguished or relieved, so he turns to look at him. His face looks like a mask, but he can see him gulping and for a moment he dithers. “Sunggyu, I-“

“It’s ok, makes sense” the leader smiles and Woohyun can’t say how truthful that smile is but regrets immediately having finally said it. “Is it because you have met a girl? I’m happy for you Woohyun”

Sunggyu stops speaking, expecting Woohyun to say something, but he just remains silent and the older just can’t bear all the tension so he starts talking once again just after a couple of minutes.

“Were you worried I wouldn’t like the news? Is that the reason you didn’t want to tell me?”

Woohyun wants to say he was actually worried Sunggyu may be relieved, he was scared he may react just like he’s reacting, but he can’t back up now so he just says “I guess”.

“Don’t be silly, we agreed to stop whenever we met a girl we liked, didn’t we? If you’re worried about me, just don’t, I’ll be ok. But now I’m angry because you didn’t tell me before, aren’t we supposed to be best friends?” Woohyun is pretty aware Sunggyu is just blabbering now, thinking it will make all the awkwardness go away, but he doesn’t have the guts to stop him so he just half-smiles and lets him continue. “So, who is she? Someone from the drama? You really don’t have to worry at all about me, you know? Actually there is a noona in Immortal Song, she’s pretty cute, I may ask her out”

“Yeah, maybe… maybe you should” Woohyun says softly, burying his head between his knees after that.

Sunggyu keeps chattering for a while, Woohyun is not listening anymore.

It feels like before it all started, when they were carelessly best friends, when they laughed at fanservice and sharing underwear was extremely forbidden. It was also then when Woohyun looked at Sunggyu when he knew the older wasn’t noticing, longing for something that was never meant to happen. And it feels like years ago to Woohyun, but it was merely months ago. And Woohyun is longing again, so nothing has changed that much.

They have a packed schedule between dramas and trips to Japan, so luckily Woohyun doesn’t have much time to long. 

part ii
parti iii
anirago: wh3anirago on September 26th, 2012 11:29 am (UTC)
I thought I said I didn't want you to mention me...... but then I realized I only thought about telling you but I never did tell you, i even typed it but then I forgot and I never hit send and look that's my UN and this is embarrassing D:
okaeiri: sg2okaeiri on September 26th, 2012 11:32 am (UTC)
... yet you never did, ergo...
anirago: wh3anirago on September 26th, 2012 11:33 am (UTC)
well I'm saying it now, aren't I?
okaeiri: sgokaeiri on September 26th, 2012 11:58 am (UTC)
Too late. Period.
paroxysmx: pic#118560862bblackteardrops on September 26th, 2012 01:58 pm (UTC)
omg i'm really looking forward to the next two parts :)
okaeiri: sgokaeiri on September 27th, 2012 08:52 am (UTC)
Aw, I'm afraid you may be disappointed now :S
penny_lane_42 on September 26th, 2012 02:04 pm (UTC)
Oh, God. This feels so painfully realistic. That it's supposed to be nothing, but of course it's not nothing and Woohyun wants something (and possibly Sunggyu does too and just can't admit it or won't or something). And that Sunggyu would have those unspoken rules at the beginning (SO BELIEVABLE) that eventually get eroded. And TALKING ABOUT HIS FUTURE WIFE WHILE HE'S IN BED WITH WOOHYUN GYU YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE but I find this totally believable, too. And it all hurting Woohyun so very much. Gah. I love this madly, the characterization is amazing. Can't wait for more!

Edited at 2012-09-26 02:06 pm (UTC)
okaeiri: sg2okaeiri on September 27th, 2012 08:57 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for the comment, you couldn't have told me anything better than the fact that the situations are believable, I have so much stress with that, ugh.

And I firmly believe Sunggyu is an asshole irl (bias here), so yeah.

I really have to work on the other parts some more because people telling me they're looking forward to them puts me under so much pressure!
aitsu_kame: pic#118290322aitsu_kame on September 26th, 2012 02:46 pm (UTC)
This hurts especially for Woohyun </3 Excited for the next two parts :D
okaeiri: sgokaeiri on September 27th, 2012 08:58 am (UTC)
Thanks for your comment! (I kinda did Woohyun look like an emo kid in this fic, idek...)
Robby: gd kissrobynspags on September 26th, 2012 07:13 pm (UTC)
Aw, I feel like both of them have unspoken feelings that they are afraid to admit. With Woohyun it's obvious because it's more in his point of view, but it's clear at the end with the way Sunggyu is blabbering on and keeps saying he'll be okay that he has feelings for Woohyun, too TT___TT I can't wait for the next parts~
okaeiri: sg2okaeiri on September 27th, 2012 08:59 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! I hope the next parts live up to your expactations (though I'm afraid they may not...)
Krystal: b1a4dapdaphaex on September 27th, 2012 09:41 am (UTC)
Woohyun is just as dense as sunggyu LOL. Ok, so sungygu didn't get what woohyun was saying, but hyun totally missed the fact that sunggyu was blabbering about 'being ok' cause he as feelings for him LMFAO. waiting for the next parts
okaeiri: yehokaeiri on September 27th, 2012 05:13 pm (UTC)
Thanks for commenting! They are definitely both too dense for their own good.
Everything is Dull, Everyone is Boring!: WooGyuyesungholic on September 27th, 2012 12:58 pm (UTC)
I can't wait for part 2
I just know it's going to be glorious as this one!
okaeiri: kkokaeiri on September 27th, 2012 05:12 pm (UTC)
Thanks, your comment is seriously way too nice, I'm afraid you will eventually get disappointed :S
Everything is Dull, Everyone is Boring!: Hoya2yesungholic on September 27th, 2012 05:51 pm (UTC)
pretty sure I won't :3
ippeun_nuna: 이호원ippeun_nuna on December 16th, 2012 09:28 am (UTC)
I missed this story while being busy in work :)
You commenting on my story so nicely brought me here to check on you and here you go ~
From what I see here, it somehow feels like the much better written, thought of and deeper story about what I attempted to express through Homecoming. That's why I always feel like doing "idea give out's" instead of writing my own stories :)
I get the feeling I will love this story so much since it express exactly what I was thinking of lately -sighs- Thanks for writing it down <3
I'm going to continue with the next chapters now.